Why Not Having a Man Behind Me at a Club Still Triggers My Insecurities

It is 3 am on Saturday; I am crying and I am on WhatsApp, recounting the not so great night out I just had to my best friend. I explain to her how this was my first night out in Cape Town and how I was very excited about it even though I was hungry and recovering from a new-braids-headache. I even dressed up for it! I wore -what my sisters would call my uniform by now- the cropped white sweater I wrote about in this post, some black jeans and my wedges. You know I was ready to party because I had bought these wedges specifically for dancing and night outs. Plus, my friend who told me about the party totally hyped it up for me and so I was excited and had my face beat and everything.

Around 11:30 pm, I and the two other friends arrived at the party, fashionably late and after mojitos from The Fat Cactus. It was raining and we had to stand in line outside of the club waiting to get in even though we had pre-purchased our tickets. We finally got in and entered the club which was packed way beyond its capacity, decorated in flashy and quite frankly blinding lights and full of smoke from a smoke machine. It took us a little while to find a place to stand and dance but we eventually did and made a little circle of three. We were absolutely feeling the music but were unable to actually dance to it because there were people passing both in front and behind us after every ten seconds. If that was not annoying enough, some of them stopped to talk to their friends from within our little circle. At this point, I was annoyed by the never-ending movement and the fact that I couldn't dance without being interrupted. 

We somehow managed to make our way to a place with less traffic and resumed dancing. Within a minute of our dancing, two random guys came and started dancing behind both of my two friends. The feminist in me sought to ask whether they knew the guys and whether they were okay with them grinding on them like that. They both said "it's fine" and I asked firmly, are you okay with it? One said she wasn't and I explained how it was okay to say no. She asked, how does one do that and I said to simply say that you are not okay with that. Me, trying to be a hero also says something along the lines of if anything, tell me and I will ask them to leave you alone. They both looked at me blankly as if to say it wasn't such a big deal. As a matter of fact, as the night continued and music kept playing and more guys kept grinding on them, I realised that this was the norm and exactly what was meant to happen and that I was tripping.

I started thinking to myself, had I imposed my own values and character on these ladies? Was I being invasive trying to determine whether it was right or wrong for strange guys to be grinding on them without their consent? If the club norm is for random men to be humping and dancing behind you in a club, why was there no one doing that to me? What was wrong with me? This non-consensual grinding had successfully led me to believe that there was something wrong with me. I began checking my body language and comparing it with theirs. I noticed that I was suffocating under the smoke and squinting from all the flashy lights. I thought to myself maybe this is why no one has come on me yet. So, I adjusted my face and used the blinding lights to my advantage to pretend like I was drunk and despite my hunger and headache, I fashioned a smile from within to mask my discomforts.

The club had changed DJs three times at this point and each one of them played the same songs the other had just played. All the songs played would categorically be trap music. Meaning, by 2 am we had exhausted all the trap dance moves we knew and were left bouncing. Well, at least I was. My company were both at their fourth guy grinding at this point. Masking my expressions became even harder and my friends started asking whether I was okay or not. I smiled and blamed the lights, and said very firmly -almost as if to convince myself too- I am fine. I really wasn't! I was feeling left out because I was neither enjoying the music nor was my dancing or beauty being affirmed by a random man pushing himself against me.

Let me make myself clear, I do not want a random person grinding on me at a club without my consent, however, I also do not want to feel invisible. I am not attracted to these people yet I would like to be asked to dance and have the opportunity to say no, because #equal_opportunity. I have been in clubs in seven different countries now and still feel like I am not beautiful enough for even a random drunk guy at a club to find me attractive. I should be used to it by now, no? Well, I am not. After all I know now, and all the strides I have made in my self-love journey, I still find myself at a club asking questions such as is something wrong with me and am I not beautiful enough. Can you relate? Comment below and let me know.